Dear readers,

Who else here guilty of negative self-talk? Have you ever consciously noticed yourself talking negatively about yourself or something you did? If you’re sitting and denying this, let me invite you to think a little deeper. You’ll find some surprising answers.

Self-talk helps to author the elaborate stories of our life, to capture incidents that explain what we have gone through. And our negative self-talk isn’t always unwarranted. There’s always the possibility to learn from painful experiences to help us grow.

There are lots of ways we talk internally. Whether it’s to remember the 6-digit OTP for our next meal from Zomato, or to simulate the correct thing we’re planning to say. In difficult situations, when we’re trying to solve a problem or disentangle a complication, we’re constantly trying to mentally walk ourselves through the steps we think we need to take.

Recently, I read a research paper on neuroscience that stated we spend anywhere between 1/3 to 1/4 of our waking hours not focused on the present. A significant portion of that includes engaging in non-verbal reasoning and talking to ourselves silently.

But this is not what is frightening.

Since in this case, we’re not talking out loud, our inner speech is compressed, which allows our words to flow at a rapid pace. I’m guessing you’re suddenly becoming a little more aware of all the talking that’s going on in your head currently. Anyhow, another study estimated that people are capable of thinking to themselves at a rate equivalent to speaking 4,000 words per minute out loud! If you listen to Jordan Peterson’s podcasts, which approximately last an hour or so, he speaks about 6,000 words. So take a minute, pause and imagine - you’re getting the same verbal punch thinking to yourself for about a minute and a half as you would if you listened to an entire Peterson’s podcast.

Sometimes, the reason why we go inside and verbally introspect is with the hope to find answers to our questions, but what actually ends up happening is that we make it worse. We worry, ruminate, and catastrophize. We wind-up stuck in a circle of negativity and start spiralling. This is what chatter is. Its only goal is to undermine our ability to think clearly and perform well. If you’re careful, you’ll see consequences of chatter everywhere - at work, with relationships, and worst of all, our physical health.

Everyone craves a sense of order and control. But when we are experiencing chatter, we’re narrowly focused on our problem, and because there aren’t multiple perspectives to hold on to, we spin. We compensate for the lack of order in our head by creating order physically around us. Have you noticed yourself cleaning up your table, tidying up your bedroom, the kitchen, when you’re extremely stressed out?

But in moments like these, what we want to do is zoom out. There’s been a lot of research that proves we are much better at advising others than ourselves. So one thing that may be helpful would be to imagine yourself as if you’re someone else. The term for this is “distanced self-talk”. The idea is to guide and advice yourself as if you were advising a friend. If you’re looking for a more technical and scientific term, it’s called “cognitive reappraisal” - the practice of replacing negative thoughts with ones that are positive in nature and true.

What has helped me immensely is to write my thoughts down. I’m aware that it sounds just like any other advice, but I can’t emphasise enough how helpful it is. Not only does it mitigate problems, it also helps with mind clarity because you’re making the effort to articulate what you’re going through. When I return to those pages a month or two later, I realise how strong I’d been to power through what I had thought to be a nightmare.

It may be reassuring to know that you’re not the only one with these thoughts. But don’t allow yourself to be alone with them.